It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
me: my friends:
Received some very disappointing news today
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.