It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Nice try, poison.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.