Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

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Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?


If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.


My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh


Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.


I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .