Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Autocorrect is my menesis
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?