Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.