@Blondiethegood

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

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@smiles_and_nods

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@Lottie_Poppie

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

@SadieSkyNinja

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

@TheTimmyToes

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@donutscoffeeme

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

@sheluvhec

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .