Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.