It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
You Might Also Like
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.