@cheeky__gal

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

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@ChefRonSullivan

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@kyry5

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

@Cuntypants

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@goldengateblond

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

@Ygrene

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly