@cheeky__gal
@ChefRonSullivan Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
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@ChefRonSullivan 
@HatfieldAnne I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
@kyry5 [Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@Cuntypants Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
@GoodZiIIa Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
@goldengateblond PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
@daemonic3 Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
@funnybeachgirl What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
@TheWinegasm Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
@Ygrene What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly