@cheeky__gal

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

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@blueeyesgreene

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

@tea_n_cake89

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

@InternetHippo

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

@Abby__Rose

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

@NotKarma

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

@bourgeoisalien

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

@chadhartigan

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

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