“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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Me buying fruit and veg
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile