It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?