it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS