It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Why is everyone getting married at me
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would