It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Cinematography is my passion
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?