It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
You Might Also Like
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
This has made my week.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
#Caturday