It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
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[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”