“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.