It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire