It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
drew a comic about my origin story
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I saw nothing
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.