@shopkins776 Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
@BossChick2North It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
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@shopkins776 
@Ideal_Victoria The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
@1Happytwit Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
@LocalButtLiker “Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
@rn_murse shit, they caught us—run!!!
@WheelTod *Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
@WritePlay *walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
@knot_eye [ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
@Manda_like_wine Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
@JoParkerBear 1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated