It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor