It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON