*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.