Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

☠️☠️☠️

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*