@DanielleKGrier
@3sunzzz Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
You Might Also Like
@3sunzzz 
@youdownwithccp Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
@Token_Geezer Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
@sadmonsters This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
@Jermaine1st So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
@batkaren ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
@EndhooS [1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
@ItsAndyRyan First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
@gneicco Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
@reallifemommy3 I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess