@DanielleKGrier

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

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@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@youdownwithccp

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

@Token_Geezer

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

@sadmonsters

This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:

@Jermaine1st

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@EndhooS

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@gneicco

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

@reallifemommy3

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess