It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Going into Monday like
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer