It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
smartest karate player in the world
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.