@samalmightysam

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

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@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@Chhapiness

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

@lejessica

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

@TheHyyyype

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

@daemonic3

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

@bourgeoisalien

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

@LackOfShame

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

@007Pepe_Rex

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

@RandiLawson

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is