What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.