It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.


I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows


The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.


MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were


Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.


Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range


I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.


Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably


[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana


M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!


Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is