It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter