Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
They got a point!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is