It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

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What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good


If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?


Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest


I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*


For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.


*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*


Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.