“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
You Might Also Like
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Nothing.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog