It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
can’t catch a break
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.