Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.