It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
The asteroid..
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day