It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I thought this was funny lol
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.