It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
You Might Also Like
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Everyone’s family
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
[eulogy]
line?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Life hack
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls