it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!