It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I鈥檓 just opening a bedside string cheese.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
馃ぃ
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
What鈥檚 with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.馃憤馃構馃槂
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary鈥檚 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge