It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
