It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
How wrong was this guy?
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.