Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do