It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A small tragedy.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
so much to do
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons