It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.