It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
You Might Also Like
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
These 3D printers are insane!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes