“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has