“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

You Might Also Like


I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.


ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT


Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?


Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?


At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.


My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home