@samalmightysam

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

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@mortimermaiden

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

@jonnysun

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

@slyoung5

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

@squirrel74wkgn

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@TragicAllyHere

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@mom_ontherocks

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home