“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok