“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”


Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?


When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”


Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]


I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”


Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.


Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.


[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!


My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.