“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords


My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.


I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.


Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.


“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen


Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.