It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Krampus.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me