“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
You Might Also Like
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Monday Lisa
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*