It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG