It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?