It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.