It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
You Might Also Like
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
just having fun
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.