It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?