‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.