“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
spot the difference
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?