It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
You Might Also Like
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.