It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Google Pay be like:
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.