It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
*feels the wind in my toe hair
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.